Perfectionism has haunted me most of my life. Mostly in relationships and in myself. I've always struggled with expectations of myself and others that were outlandishly idealistic and unrealistic.
The oddity of all this is that I find great joy in life most days. I like to think of myself as a glass half full kind of girl. I love my husband and kids. And I have been continually astounded by the way God has worked in my life....freeing me from so much muck and mire. Yet, the struggle to constantly be perfect has been woven throughout everyday, every relationship for a long time. Making its presence known in the most unfriendly and inconvenient ways. Leaving me angry, dissatisfied, and frustrated with life more often than I want to be.
I can honestly say I would have never considered myself a perfectionist if someone asked me. I guess thats how blind spots work though....you don't see them until they are flashing right in front of your face.
I've found myself noticing the flashing lately. Over and over again. In relationships. In parenting. In my relationship with God. In my expectations of myself. In my expectations of friends. The list really could go on and on. I feel as though I've been living in a thorn bush being poked and prodded by the nuisance of my own perfectionistic tendencies lately.
My husband asked me a few weeks back to name some things that I do well. I wrestled with this question. I was frustrated with myself that nothing came to mind. That question started a series of questions and self reflection which admittedly has lead to more perfectionistic tendencies in the past but instead, I decided to wrestle with God about it this time.
I'm still in the midst of wrestling.
While, I would love to have all these lovely answers and epiphanies in one fail swoop, God has been showing me that the true victories with this battle are in the moment by moment choices I make to live as an imperfect daughter of a most Gracious, Loving, and Perfect God.
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. 4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.
God has brought me back to these verses in Isaiah 61 that have always ministered to me in a sweet way, and He revealed something new to me-I am imperfect but planted. Planted of the Lord.
Instead of focusing on being perfect, I can focus on being planted. Planted in a God who is patient, slow to anger, abounding in love, full of mercy. He is my perfect. As I look to Him and spend more time with Him, I can rest in knowing that He created me weaknesses and all.
God showed me that I don't have to keep putting the yoke of perfectionism around my neck and trudge through my days wondering who I've disappointed or let down but that I can go to Him and He will plant me in Himself. After all, Jesus said, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30
Dear Jesus,
Take this burden of perfectionism. Replace it with your grace and truth in my life. May I experience the freedom that comes from living out an imperfect but planted life.
Amen.
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